First off, HAPPY NEW YEARS everyone!! I certainly hope things get better for everyone because last year was so hard for so many people!! I know it was hard for me, but the only thing I can keep on doing is smiling and know that tomorrow is going to be a better day!!
Last night I went to the boifriends house then to a party being thrown by his boss. I had a great time up in till I did something really stupid. I decided to celebrate a little by myself and took some drugs, I know I know, that wasn't right of me, but it happened and now there is nothing that I can do about it!! Well, in my doing it, my boifriend found out and it really made him upset. Upset to the point that I don't know if we are going to still be together after tonight. We both had to work today, him at 12:00 and me at 4:00. He was late to work because me and him had to talk about what happened the night before. I am so upset with myself, first because of what I did, and secondly because I put him into a situation that he didn't want to be in. I am just so scared right now. You always know how much you love someone when that time comes when you don't know if you are going to be with that person again. Saying sorry to him doesn't make anything any better so it seems kind of redundant to say, but I said it and will continue to say. The same Bryan that I talked about before is the same Bryan that I love to death and would never do anything to jerpordize what we had, cause i don't know if we don't have it any more. I know that I did something that I shouldn't have done and unfortunatley I can't take it back now. When we got to my house I simply broke down and started to cry. I wasn't crying for myself, I was crying because I know that I hurt him, and that is something that I vowed to myself that I wouldn't do to him. I don't want to treat him like everyone else did and now I have and I don't know what to do about it. I can't take it back, but I don't know what to do. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!! I don't want to loose him because I realized today how much I love and value him as a person, as a person involved in my life, as a lover, as a friend, and I want nothing but for him to understand me a little. Not agree with me, but understand me. I want things to go back to the way we were two days ago, to guys who were starting to fall in love with each. I want to be able to give him a kiss and hug and make it all better, but I don't know if that is an option right now. He gets done work at 7:00 and he told me that he was going to call so we could talk about "us" or lack of "us" and all I want to do is cry. I don't want to be at work, I simply want to be anywhere where I can be my slef and cry my heart out!!!I don't want to loose him, and now I know that I can. In hindsight would I do it again, absolutely not, but can I live in hindsight, well, no!! I feel like I treated him just as the other guys have treated him. In a previous blog I said I hated all the fuckers that hurt him and now I am simply one of the fuckers that hurted him!! I know that if we do break up then I will be very hurt. I now that I am going to cry because of how much I love him. I also know that in time I will be okay, but I don't want there to be an "in time." I want it to be me and him!!! Not that I would ever kill myself over someone, but sometimes it is so much easier to just sleep and not get back up.....